not everything is as it seems

Tell me has this happened to you:  You make a mistake, you do the wrong thing, you say the wrong thing and it's eating you up inside.  You feel terrible, you feel guilty, and you just can't get away from thinking about it.  Then someone walks up to you, maybe even your best friend, and asks, "hey, are you OK?"  Without hesitation we answer, "I'm fine"...... and yet we know on the inside we are not.

We are so afraid to let people in, or at least I know I am.  We are afraid to let people know we don't have it as "together" as they think we do.  We don't want people to know that on the inside we are a mess.  We don't want people to know that we have fallen flat on our face with a mistake.  We don't want to let people down.  We don't want people to know that we are struggling with ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

We are such liars.

Maybe is simpler to smile, maybe it's more convenient, or maybe its just easier than trying to explain how you really feel.  Or maybe our deepest fears are true, that the person you tell is that shallow and will judge you by your mistake, or maybe they will tell someone, or maybe even tell the world through social media.

Or maybe they won't.

Maybe, just maybe, they do generally care about you and will simply just listen.

^6 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (Jas 5:16., NIV)

Confess your sins to each other.  I find this concept very intriguing.  The many times that someone has asked me "how you doing" and I come so close to letting the flood gates out and tell them how I really feel, or how I'm really doing, and yet the actual words that come out are:  "I'm fine, you?".  I begin to scream to myself "YOUR NOT FINE YOU IDIOT.... you could really use a friend, some prayer, someone to listen"......

What would it be like to share your deepest anxiety, your deepest shame, or your deepest wound, and to have someone say, "Oh, I'm so very sorry, how about I pray for you... right now", and for them to pray for you then walk away and you be rested assured that they haven't judged you, they are not disappointed in you, and you now know they genuinely care.

So the next time you ask someone how they are, remember the answer may not really be as it seems.

Here is the thing, if you and I are going to tell they truth then we need to be able to receive the truth in love.  Don't act shocked, don't judge them, and keep your mouth shut.  They need to trust you.  I need to trust you.

I am going to try to do better on not putting on a fake smile, but I know its going to be hard....

Chris

self-doubt

Do any of you struggle with self-doubt?  I do.  I have never been the person that has been very confident in themselves.  I battle this on a day to day basis.

I started running for several reasons.  One was for my health, another was to burn off stress, and also to build my self-esteem.  In running I feel like I can accomplish something.  In running I have set some goals that I have been able to obtain, and It had been boosting my self-confidence.  Then, Saturday happened.  Saturday was race day. 

I have only ran a couple of 5k's since I began running.  The first one was November last year (2013), then I ran one March of this year.  In March I didn't truly run the entire thing, for several factors which are irrelevant at this time, so truth be known I have only actually ran 1 race.  So, I have been training since last November's Race to try to reduce my 3 mile run time.  I finally made it down to 3 miles in less than 30 minutes several weeks ago.  I have been able to stay close to that (ranging between 10 - 11 minute miles) pretty consistently.  Then something happened the week of the race.

I normally run 2-3 times a week between 3 to 4 miles.  I decided to only run one time last week in preparation for Saturday's race, I ran Wednesday.  It was not a good run.  My average mile was over 12 minute miles, and I barely got 3 miles in.  I had no energy.  So I brushed it off because my allergies had been bothering me and focused on doing better race day.

Saturday came and that morning I felt pretty good, was excited to see how this race was going to go.  I really felt like I could potentially run a very good race.  Walked a little bit (habit I do to warm up before running), turned my tunes on, and I was ready to go.  Race started and was running with some people and felt like I had a comfortable pace.  Mile 1, came and went phone buzzed and told me I was running a 10.34 mile, felt pretty good about that.  Then almost immediately after Mile 1, I could feel my pace slowing dramatically.  I began to coach myself to try and pick up the pace.  Mile 2, phone buzzed and said my pace was 11.32 mile, ok I tell myself that's respectable.  Then I hit a wall.  Not literally but runners know what I mean.  All of a sudden I felt like I could not take one more single stride, that was it, I was done.  I said to myself "I can't do this" and I began to walk.  So ended my hopes of a "good run".  Mile 3 was 13.30 mile.  I crossed the finish line at 38 minutes, and I don't think I have ever felt so disappointed in my life.

In Matthew 14 the disciples where on a boat in the middle of the sea, when Jesus approached the boat walking on the water Peter calls out to Him, "Lord if it is you call me out to you".  Jesus does, and Peter steps out of the boat, and begins to walk on the water to Jesus.  This would have to be an amazing scene.  Peter was able to do this for two reasons, one Is He absolutely believed in Jesus, and secondly Peter believed in Himself.  As he is walking across the water the wind picked up and waves rose, Peter hesitates and begins to sink.  Peter ran into his own wall, said to Himself "I Can't do this", he was done, and he was definitely the most disappointed he had ever been in His life to this point.  Jesus reaches out to him and says:

“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” (Mt 14:31., NIV).

Peter sank in self despair because he doubted.  He lost his self-confidence.

I intentionally left part of my race out, but here it is:  As I approached the home stretch feeling down, disheartened, and disappointed.  There they where:  Brandy, Olivia, Rebekah, Samantha, and Pastor Ken cheering me on.  Energy came and I was able to at least jog the last little bit.

Point being:  All the training in the world can't help self confidence, but having a good cheering section can.

Surround yourself with people that will help cheer you to victory in this life.  I want you to know that God is your biggest cheerleader.  He believes in you.

End note:  Today I decided to re-run the same route and was determined to run it faster.  I did.  Today's run was my "confidence booster".

If Peter had the opportunity to Re-run the walking on water, I believe He could have.

Have a great day,  Chris.