not everything is as it seems

Tell me has this happened to you:  You make a mistake, you do the wrong thing, you say the wrong thing and it's eating you up inside.  You feel terrible, you feel guilty, and you just can't get away from thinking about it.  Then someone walks up to you, maybe even your best friend, and asks, "hey, are you OK?"  Without hesitation we answer, "I'm fine"...... and yet we know on the inside we are not.

We are so afraid to let people in, or at least I know I am.  We are afraid to let people know we don't have it as "together" as they think we do.  We don't want people to know that on the inside we are a mess.  We don't want people to know that we have fallen flat on our face with a mistake.  We don't want to let people down.  We don't want people to know that we are struggling with ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

We are such liars.

Maybe is simpler to smile, maybe it's more convenient, or maybe its just easier than trying to explain how you really feel.  Or maybe our deepest fears are true, that the person you tell is that shallow and will judge you by your mistake, or maybe they will tell someone, or maybe even tell the world through social media.

Or maybe they won't.

Maybe, just maybe, they do generally care about you and will simply just listen.

^6 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (Jas 5:16., NIV)

Confess your sins to each other.  I find this concept very intriguing.  The many times that someone has asked me "how you doing" and I come so close to letting the flood gates out and tell them how I really feel, or how I'm really doing, and yet the actual words that come out are:  "I'm fine, you?".  I begin to scream to myself "YOUR NOT FINE YOU IDIOT.... you could really use a friend, some prayer, someone to listen"......

What would it be like to share your deepest anxiety, your deepest shame, or your deepest wound, and to have someone say, "Oh, I'm so very sorry, how about I pray for you... right now", and for them to pray for you then walk away and you be rested assured that they haven't judged you, they are not disappointed in you, and you now know they genuinely care.

So the next time you ask someone how they are, remember the answer may not really be as it seems.

Here is the thing, if you and I are going to tell they truth then we need to be able to receive the truth in love.  Don't act shocked, don't judge them, and keep your mouth shut.  They need to trust you.  I need to trust you.

I am going to try to do better on not putting on a fake smile, but I know its going to be hard....

Chris

self-doubt

Do any of you struggle with self-doubt?  I do.  I have never been the person that has been very confident in themselves.  I battle this on a day to day basis.

I started running for several reasons.  One was for my health, another was to burn off stress, and also to build my self-esteem.  In running I feel like I can accomplish something.  In running I have set some goals that I have been able to obtain, and It had been boosting my self-confidence.  Then, Saturday happened.  Saturday was race day. 

I have only ran a couple of 5k's since I began running.  The first one was November last year (2013), then I ran one March of this year.  In March I didn't truly run the entire thing, for several factors which are irrelevant at this time, so truth be known I have only actually ran 1 race.  So, I have been training since last November's Race to try to reduce my 3 mile run time.  I finally made it down to 3 miles in less than 30 minutes several weeks ago.  I have been able to stay close to that (ranging between 10 - 11 minute miles) pretty consistently.  Then something happened the week of the race.

I normally run 2-3 times a week between 3 to 4 miles.  I decided to only run one time last week in preparation for Saturday's race, I ran Wednesday.  It was not a good run.  My average mile was over 12 minute miles, and I barely got 3 miles in.  I had no energy.  So I brushed it off because my allergies had been bothering me and focused on doing better race day.

Saturday came and that morning I felt pretty good, was excited to see how this race was going to go.  I really felt like I could potentially run a very good race.  Walked a little bit (habit I do to warm up before running), turned my tunes on, and I was ready to go.  Race started and was running with some people and felt like I had a comfortable pace.  Mile 1, came and went phone buzzed and told me I was running a 10.34 mile, felt pretty good about that.  Then almost immediately after Mile 1, I could feel my pace slowing dramatically.  I began to coach myself to try and pick up the pace.  Mile 2, phone buzzed and said my pace was 11.32 mile, ok I tell myself that's respectable.  Then I hit a wall.  Not literally but runners know what I mean.  All of a sudden I felt like I could not take one more single stride, that was it, I was done.  I said to myself "I can't do this" and I began to walk.  So ended my hopes of a "good run".  Mile 3 was 13.30 mile.  I crossed the finish line at 38 minutes, and I don't think I have ever felt so disappointed in my life.

In Matthew 14 the disciples where on a boat in the middle of the sea, when Jesus approached the boat walking on the water Peter calls out to Him, "Lord if it is you call me out to you".  Jesus does, and Peter steps out of the boat, and begins to walk on the water to Jesus.  This would have to be an amazing scene.  Peter was able to do this for two reasons, one Is He absolutely believed in Jesus, and secondly Peter believed in Himself.  As he is walking across the water the wind picked up and waves rose, Peter hesitates and begins to sink.  Peter ran into his own wall, said to Himself "I Can't do this", he was done, and he was definitely the most disappointed he had ever been in His life to this point.  Jesus reaches out to him and says:

“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” (Mt 14:31., NIV).

Peter sank in self despair because he doubted.  He lost his self-confidence.

I intentionally left part of my race out, but here it is:  As I approached the home stretch feeling down, disheartened, and disappointed.  There they where:  Brandy, Olivia, Rebekah, Samantha, and Pastor Ken cheering me on.  Energy came and I was able to at least jog the last little bit.

Point being:  All the training in the world can't help self confidence, but having a good cheering section can.

Surround yourself with people that will help cheer you to victory in this life.  I want you to know that God is your biggest cheerleader.  He believes in you.

End note:  Today I decided to re-run the same route and was determined to run it faster.  I did.  Today's run was my "confidence booster".

If Peter had the opportunity to Re-run the walking on water, I believe He could have.

Have a great day,  Chris.

Choices < ? >

"Don't let your choices define who you are, let who you are define your choices"

I woke up thinking about this today.  I don't know if I have read this somewhere, or if it an original thought.  I googled it and haven't found who I could give credit to, so I guess I will claim it.

Here is what happens:  we make a bad decision and we then think we are a bad person.

A bad decision does not define you and I as bad people, even a string of bad decisions does not define who you are.  A bad decision, or even many bad decisions, happen because we DON'T know who we are.  When we don't know who we are then we fall into the trap of trying to be someone we are NOT.

For instance:  a drug addict was not created to be a drug addict, they didn't know who they where so their choices dictated their life and their choices became who they are: a drug addict.

You need to know who you are.  It's imperative you know who you are, who created you, and for what purpose He created you.

Genesis 1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness

Psalm 139:14 I will praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made

Isaiah 43:7 Even every one that is called by my name: for I have created him

Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to good works

 

Every single one of us where created in His image, we where fearfully and wonderfully made by Him, and we are his workmanship (craftsmanship) created to fulfill a purpose. 

 

No choice we make changes that definition of who I am.  Can I make bad decisions?  absolutely  Will I make bad decisions?  absolutely  Does that change who I am?  absolutely NOT.

 

Now this in no way gives us a "pass" on making bad decisions.  What happens is the more we discover who we are, the more we discover the purpose in which we where created, and the more we choose to fall in love with the One who created us the less likely we are to make unwise choices.

 

In the same way this should change our view of people.  For instance, going back to the drug addict, when we look at them we shouldn't see a drug addict.  Then what should we see?  We should see someone created in the image of God, who is fearfully and wonderfully made by Him, and is His workmanship created to fulfill a purpose, that has either forgotten their purpose or never knew it.

 

So whether you have made one bad choice or a string of them, your choices are not who you are.  You are a child of God that made a wrong choice, so do not let that choice define you.

 

 

Chris

Teachable

Be Teachable.  I say that a lot, I think it a lot, and I teach it a lot.

I was reading this morning and began to wonder to myself:  "Am I teachable?"

Webster's Dictionary defines "teachable" as:  capable of being taught.

^11 Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.  (Ps 86:11., NIV)

According to this verse if I am teachable then I will be doing the following:

1. Walking in your truth.  Walking means living my life.  So I have to ask myself:  Am I living my life according to God's truth.  Does the Spoken Word of God dictate and guide my thoughts, motives, feelings, actions, and words.  I would love with everything within me to answer yes, but if I did I would be lying to God, myself, and you.  So I am 0-1.
2. Having an undivided heart.  An undivided heart is one that loves God without limits, never doubts, and is completely devoted to the one that created them.  I love God, but do I love Him like He loves me.  He loves me unconditionally.  I can't say the same.  I would love to say that I never doubt.  I know God believes in me, and I believe in Him.  My problem is believing in myself, and since He believes in me and I don't believe in myself.... I doubt.  Alright, well then, how about completely devoted to the one that created me.  I wished.  I have moments in time where I feel I am completely devoted, but as for all the time.... nope.  Great I am 0-2
3. Fear His name.  To fear His name is to give God the honor, respect, and reverence He deserves.  Honestly I know I don't always give God the honor, respect, and reverence He deserves.  He deserves that all the time.  Now I am 0-3.

Epic fail

Good news:  I am not alone and neither are you.

When David wrote this psalm it was a prayer.  Being teachable is not a one-time thing.  Being teachable is a process.  When David penned this prayer, it is what he wanted.  David, a man who God said was a man after His own heart, was struggling with being teachable.  It's about a motive, it's about an attitude.

Being teachable means that you and I realize we don't know it all.  We need help.  Be open.  Be willing to learn.  Learn something everyday.  God has so much to teach us.

so:  be teachable, learn something today, about Him.

Chris

 

 

 

the week in review

 

So this week has been kind of (ok not kind of, but really) busy.  Hence why no blog until Friday 2:15 pm.  In being a busy week, it has also been a great week. Here are some highlights.

 

 

Tuesday:  Spent the better part of the day with Myjenta (my praise leader in youth).  With great excitement and anticipation she has decided to follow God's calling in her life to work with student's.  A call to minister is a call to prepare, so I took her to visit the campus of Fruitland Bible College.  Lord willing she will start in the fall.  Whoop Whoop!!

 

Wednesday:  Always a blast with AWANA kids.  The year is winding down, and the workers and helpers are wearing out.  God has done tremendous things in our AWANA group this year.  We have been blessed with 108 students that have come through our program this year... GO GOD!!

 

Thursday:  Met with one of my students that is a senior to try and get his senior project finished up.  Following that met with two young men who gave their hearts to Christ and had questions about baptism.  Topped off the day with an AMAZING night of worship at Thomas Wolfe Auditorium.  Students from across our county came together to worship and pray on the "National Day of Prayer."

 

Friday:  Finishing up stuff I didn't get done the rest of the week.  Today I hit a HUGE milestone in my running.  My goal was to finish 3 miles in 30 minutes.  This morning 3.01 miles in 29.45.  I have been excited about this all day!!!

 

 

In the midst of this head-spinning busy week, God has spoken and done some tremendous things:

 

In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, ^2 but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. (Heb 1:1-2., NIV)

 

Don't get too busy that you miss God speaking to you.  Take some time daily to step back from the "business" of life.  God does still speak, will you listen?  We all get busy.  It's a part of life.  We know it, and we can deal with it.



my friday run

When I woke up this morning I was extremely hesitant about running today.  My reasons, albeit more like excuses where:  I ran yesterday, the route yesterday had more hills hence I am sore, and I just don't like running back to back days because my time gets worse instead of better.  But I went anyway.

I am so glad I did.  I had my second best 3 mile time ever (33 minutes, 11.13 mile).  I was so excited because my goal is to do 3 miles in 30 minutes.  But that's not the only reason I am glad I did.

God has a way of speaking to me while I'm running.  Running gives me the ability to clear my mind of all things.

At the end of mile 1 my coach (the app on my phone) informed me that my pace was 10.20 mile.  I was pumped and I was going to do everything I could to keep it up.  I know I'm approaching mile 2 and I feel myself slowing.  I'm trying to coach myself to pick back up the pace.  Then I hit mile 2, app says 10:58 mile.  I'm really trying to push myself now, feeling I got this.  Then I hit 2.5 miles.  My mind begins to doubt, I begin to say to myself you can't keep this pace up.  then my pace slows down.  Disappointment.  Fear.  Lack of belief.

Then this little voice  inside my head says to me, "Chris, what just happened to you in running happens in your life, I start doing great things in your life and then you doubt and slow down."  Then Psalm 46:10 came to mind, "Be still and know that I am God."

I picked back up the pace, mile 3 was 12.03.  Isn't that amazing I lost a minute in that final mile because I hesitated, I doubted.

I don't want to miss a minute of anything You want in my life God.  Help me to remember to "be still and know your God."

ps, as strange as it sounds my time of being still is when I run......

Chris

If I was there

I have been thinking this week in light of Easter, What if I was a disciple during the time following the crucifixion of Jesus?  Most people if asked would undoubtedly say, "I would be like John, I would be Jesus' top disciple, oh I would follow Him all the way...".  However, I'm going to be honest....  Today's blog is more of a narrative as I try to put myself into the life of one of the disciples following the crucifixion.

"YOU SAID YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME"!!!!
The mere words coming out of my mouth startled me.  I sat in the dark.  I don't think I had ever felt so alone in my life.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know where the others where.  The plan was that we would meet together to develop our next plan of action soon, but I wasn't sure when.  What are we supposed to do now?  What am I supposed to do now?  I don't know that I have ever felt so empty, lost, and confused.

I hear footsteps outside, "are they coming for me" I thought.  I will be next.  I tried to hold my breath.  Make no sound, or they will hear me.  "Where are the others" I wondered.  "I can't handle this", I thought, "I will just turn myself in".  I have got to get it together.  I hear more footsteps.... Nope was a cat. 

I spent the night in the ally, It was the darkest place I could find.  I drifted in and out of sleep most of the night because I could hear the soldiers walking up and down the streets.  They are looking for us, I can't let them find me.

All night long I was trying so hard to figure out what we did wrong?  Why did we let Him go?  Why did He not fight being arrested?  Why did He just give up?  If He was the Son of God, why did He allow them to Crucify Him?  I can't believe I just thought that, get it together man.  You saw the miracles, you heard His teachings, for goodness sakes you prayed with Him.  I felt overwhelmed with guilt as my belief wavered.

"Jesus, I need you," I said to myself, "I need something, NOW."

Nothing, ugh.  I have to do something.  I got up, brushed myself off and tried to cover my head and face as much as I could as not to be recognized.  The sun had come up as I walked to the end of the ally that lead to the marketplace.  No soldiers in sight, I exhaled for what seemed forever, and stepped out into the street.  The hustle and bustle of the morning in the marketplace was a perfect cover to move about.  It seemed like everyone I walked past was talking about the events of the last couple of days.  I tried to ignore them and what they where saying.

I looked forward and suddenly held my breath.  Great, soldiers.

Don't look them in the eyes, avoid eye contact, scurry past. 

I walked past them expecting at any moment one of them to grab me.  After several steps past them, I finally exhaled after holding my breath for what seemed like an eternity.  I picked up the pace a little, I felt I needed to get out of the marketplace, get out of Jerusalem.  The only thing I felt I could do now is get out of town, start a new life somewhere, but it can't be here.

I tried to get out of Jerusalem, but I just couldn't.  As I got to the very edge of the city, I had this overwhelming feeling that just wouldn't let me.

"Where are they?", I wondered, "I need some friendly faces".

I laid down for the night near the back gate of Jerusalem.  I was facing another night alone, left with just me and my memories of my Jesus.

Early the next morning, a boy that couldn't have been more than seven, shook me awake.

"Sir, sir", He said, "this is for you! I have been looking for you, They have been looking for you".

"Who?", I asked, "the Soldiers?"  "No", He said, "the note, I'm supposed to find you and give you this note."

He handed me a small scroll rolled up and ran off.  I hurried with my hands shaking and opened the scroll:

"Meet us in the place, Hurry....", signed John.

The place?  That could only mean.... the guys are back together.  Maybe they will have some answers for me, and I hurried off to the upper room.

I was nearly out of breath when I arrived, I was so happy to walk into the room and see those friendly faces.  John rushed up and embraced me, He is such a good leader and friend.  There seemed to be a general excitement going on.  I was so confused, I had such a horrible several days, how in the world can my friends be this way?  I felt so bad, they felt so good.  It kind of irritated me to tell you the truth.  Our mentor, our leader, our Rabbi was crucified guys, how can you be so excited, I thought.

I had enough, "Come on guys, how can you act like this, with all that has happened?"

"We have seen the Lord!!" (John 20:24) they said.

"Excuse me", I thought.  I stood there for a minute trying to let this soak in.

Then John recounted the story:

^19 On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” ^20 After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.

^21 Again Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.” ^22 And with that he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. ^23 If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” (Jn 20:19-23. NIV)

 

I just stood there for a minute, looking for the words to say.  Everyone just stared at me.  I was confused, how could this be?  I waited for what seemed like an eternity.  I was frustrated, before I knew it, the words came out:

 

“Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.” (Jn 20:25. NIV)

 

Then I stormed out of the room.

 

"What did he just say?", I heard one of my friends say.  Then John came after me.

 

"Where are you going?", he asked.  "I just need some time", is all I could say.  With that I left.

I spent the next seven days wandering about Jerusalem aimlessly.  Trying to pull myself together, and staying out of sight of the Jews and Roman Soldiers.

 

At the end of the week John found me, he asked me to join them again.  John and I walked together back to the place.  We talked about how the week had been.  He asked if I had been thinking about our last meeting and what I had said.  I absolutely had thought about it all week.  It was driving me crazy.  For seven days now the thought consumed my every minute.  I tried to recall and grasp everything Jesus had told me, but as hard as I tried I still could not wrap my head around it.

 

We arrived at the room upstairs, and John locked the door behind us.  I looked around at my friends, they all seemed to have a general concern about me.  Oh, how I have missed them.  They welcomed me as loving as they always have.

 Then, the voice I had longed to hear.  The caring voice of the one whom I have missed the most came:

 

“Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” (Jn 20:27. NIV)

My knees grew weak, my heart fluttered, and my mind raced.  I looked up and there He was.  Jesus looked so different, but yet it was Him.  Here He was now standing right in front of me.  I rubbed my eyes.  Every thing Jesus had taught me, every miracle I had seen flashed before me, and every prayer we had recited together raced through my mind.  Like a rush of strong wind everything all of a sudden made sense.  Jesus is who He said He was!!

 

Tears rolled down my face and I exclaimed, "My Lord and My God!" (John 20:28)

 

^29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”  (Jn 20:29.)

 

I embraced my Jesus, It was Him, It was really Him!!

 

This is a whole new ballgame, I MUST TELL OTHERS!!!!

 

*please note these are my thoughts if I where a disciple, and I think I would have been most like Thomas.  I'm not saying that this is how Thomas felt, it was simply my perspective as a narrative.  There are actual verses of scripture as noted.

 

Happy Easter.  It is true, He is alive therefore so am I.

 

Chris