If I was there

I have been thinking this week in light of Easter, What if I was a disciple during the time following the crucifixion of Jesus?  Most people if asked would undoubtedly say, "I would be like John, I would be Jesus' top disciple, oh I would follow Him all the way...".  However, I'm going to be honest....  Today's blog is more of a narrative as I try to put myself into the life of one of the disciples following the crucifixion.

"YOU SAID YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME"!!!!
The mere words coming out of my mouth startled me.  I sat in the dark.  I don't think I had ever felt so alone in my life.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know where the others where.  The plan was that we would meet together to develop our next plan of action soon, but I wasn't sure when.  What are we supposed to do now?  What am I supposed to do now?  I don't know that I have ever felt so empty, lost, and confused.

I hear footsteps outside, "are they coming for me" I thought.  I will be next.  I tried to hold my breath.  Make no sound, or they will hear me.  "Where are the others" I wondered.  "I can't handle this", I thought, "I will just turn myself in".  I have got to get it together.  I hear more footsteps.... Nope was a cat. 

I spent the night in the ally, It was the darkest place I could find.  I drifted in and out of sleep most of the night because I could hear the soldiers walking up and down the streets.  They are looking for us, I can't let them find me.

All night long I was trying so hard to figure out what we did wrong?  Why did we let Him go?  Why did He not fight being arrested?  Why did He just give up?  If He was the Son of God, why did He allow them to Crucify Him?  I can't believe I just thought that, get it together man.  You saw the miracles, you heard His teachings, for goodness sakes you prayed with Him.  I felt overwhelmed with guilt as my belief wavered.

"Jesus, I need you," I said to myself, "I need something, NOW."

Nothing, ugh.  I have to do something.  I got up, brushed myself off and tried to cover my head and face as much as I could as not to be recognized.  The sun had come up as I walked to the end of the ally that lead to the marketplace.  No soldiers in sight, I exhaled for what seemed forever, and stepped out into the street.  The hustle and bustle of the morning in the marketplace was a perfect cover to move about.  It seemed like everyone I walked past was talking about the events of the last couple of days.  I tried to ignore them and what they where saying.

I looked forward and suddenly held my breath.  Great, soldiers.

Don't look them in the eyes, avoid eye contact, scurry past. 

I walked past them expecting at any moment one of them to grab me.  After several steps past them, I finally exhaled after holding my breath for what seemed like an eternity.  I picked up the pace a little, I felt I needed to get out of the marketplace, get out of Jerusalem.  The only thing I felt I could do now is get out of town, start a new life somewhere, but it can't be here.

I tried to get out of Jerusalem, but I just couldn't.  As I got to the very edge of the city, I had this overwhelming feeling that just wouldn't let me.

"Where are they?", I wondered, "I need some friendly faces".

I laid down for the night near the back gate of Jerusalem.  I was facing another night alone, left with just me and my memories of my Jesus.

Early the next morning, a boy that couldn't have been more than seven, shook me awake.

"Sir, sir", He said, "this is for you! I have been looking for you, They have been looking for you".

"Who?", I asked, "the Soldiers?"  "No", He said, "the note, I'm supposed to find you and give you this note."

He handed me a small scroll rolled up and ran off.  I hurried with my hands shaking and opened the scroll:

"Meet us in the place, Hurry....", signed John.

The place?  That could only mean.... the guys are back together.  Maybe they will have some answers for me, and I hurried off to the upper room.

I was nearly out of breath when I arrived, I was so happy to walk into the room and see those friendly faces.  John rushed up and embraced me, He is such a good leader and friend.  There seemed to be a general excitement going on.  I was so confused, I had such a horrible several days, how in the world can my friends be this way?  I felt so bad, they felt so good.  It kind of irritated me to tell you the truth.  Our mentor, our leader, our Rabbi was crucified guys, how can you be so excited, I thought.

I had enough, "Come on guys, how can you act like this, with all that has happened?"

"We have seen the Lord!!" (John 20:24) they said.

"Excuse me", I thought.  I stood there for a minute trying to let this soak in.

Then John recounted the story:

^19 On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” ^20 After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.

^21 Again Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.” ^22 And with that he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. ^23 If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” (Jn 20:19-23. NIV)

 

I just stood there for a minute, looking for the words to say.  Everyone just stared at me.  I was confused, how could this be?  I waited for what seemed like an eternity.  I was frustrated, before I knew it, the words came out:

 

“Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.” (Jn 20:25. NIV)

 

Then I stormed out of the room.

 

"What did he just say?", I heard one of my friends say.  Then John came after me.

 

"Where are you going?", he asked.  "I just need some time", is all I could say.  With that I left.

I spent the next seven days wandering about Jerusalem aimlessly.  Trying to pull myself together, and staying out of sight of the Jews and Roman Soldiers.

 

At the end of the week John found me, he asked me to join them again.  John and I walked together back to the place.  We talked about how the week had been.  He asked if I had been thinking about our last meeting and what I had said.  I absolutely had thought about it all week.  It was driving me crazy.  For seven days now the thought consumed my every minute.  I tried to recall and grasp everything Jesus had told me, but as hard as I tried I still could not wrap my head around it.

 

We arrived at the room upstairs, and John locked the door behind us.  I looked around at my friends, they all seemed to have a general concern about me.  Oh, how I have missed them.  They welcomed me as loving as they always have.

 Then, the voice I had longed to hear.  The caring voice of the one whom I have missed the most came:

 

“Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” (Jn 20:27. NIV)

My knees grew weak, my heart fluttered, and my mind raced.  I looked up and there He was.  Jesus looked so different, but yet it was Him.  Here He was now standing right in front of me.  I rubbed my eyes.  Every thing Jesus had taught me, every miracle I had seen flashed before me, and every prayer we had recited together raced through my mind.  Like a rush of strong wind everything all of a sudden made sense.  Jesus is who He said He was!!

 

Tears rolled down my face and I exclaimed, "My Lord and My God!" (John 20:28)

 

^29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”  (Jn 20:29.)

 

I embraced my Jesus, It was Him, It was really Him!!

 

This is a whole new ballgame, I MUST TELL OTHERS!!!!

 

*please note these are my thoughts if I where a disciple, and I think I would have been most like Thomas.  I'm not saying that this is how Thomas felt, it was simply my perspective as a narrative.  There are actual verses of scripture as noted.

 

Happy Easter.  It is true, He is alive therefore so am I.

 

Chris